Life isn't meant to be figured out
biting my tongue while hugging my heart
Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a cozy homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. Here, you’ll marvel the mundane and wish for your wild, while reveling in rest.
You’ll learn about how to support your habitual travel adventures alongside your happy home base (even the one inside your own head). Cool kids subscribe. I appreciate you!
Sporting a satin, sage-y green crop top, with vibrant red hair freshly from the salon, and a killer lipstick to match, I was feeling myself.
Celebrating the raise I’d recently received at my job, my husband was digging his work at the hospital, and we’d recently realized a dream of buying a Sprinter van to convert for our travels. We had our health, a bit more wealth, and we were off to date night. We looked good as a unit.
With windows down in the Jeep for a surprisingly warm day at the end of February, I turned to him and said,
“Do we, like, have things figured out?”
Ah, the naivety of youth. Even a more youthful me of a few months ago.
Less than two months after this very true moment, when my husband looked at me as if to say, Why would you say such a thing to tempt fate? — I was laid off from my job.
Silly little dumb dumb thought, Hey, I’m 35 now, making good money, and my husband and I are living our travel dreams and have a kick ass house and look good on our bikes and read books and connect with friends and and and
Narrator Voice: She did not, in fact, have it figured out
Being laid off is a wild experience, let alone from the same job with the same people for nearly eight years. (I saw those same people every weekday, and now I just… don’t?)
Each day, I discover something new about how I feel:
Some days I feel empowered. I can try anything!
Some days I feel ashamed. I was tied to that number, ie, the raise I received two months before being laid off.
Some days I feel terrified. How can I support myself in this job market?
Some days I feel grateful. I didn’t want to work there, and now I don’t.
Some days I don’t feel anything.
Layoff aside, silly little dumb dumb who egotistically thought anyone, anywhere, could have anything about life truly figured out.
Because that’s not the goal, anyway.
The only finish line is death
Dramatic, much?
But truly, the only finish line that says, “That’s it! You’re done!” is the one we all end up at, one way or another. And imagining a life where I can have it figured out is not only impossible, but boring when I think more about it.
As the poem above alludes to, those moments are the entire point. Getting silly walks in and remembering to text your friend something funny you saw on Instagram and cuddling with your dog and taking two minutes to meditate and reading a book outside and just being outside and and and
Having life figured out isn’t the goal. Experiencing life. Living life. Being alive. That’s the goal.
If you’re new here…
Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. It’s a travel blog / poetry newsletter / attempt to understand my inner world a bit better each day.
Subscribers can expect weekly-ish newsletters from me (and my forever undying gratitude!)
"those moments are the entire point" So true, but ugh so hard to reckon with all the things. I'm so grateful you're sharing your process.
I was literally just thinking this week about how weird and sad it is that we just ... don't have a scheduled weekly time to get on camera and catch up 1x1 anymore? I miss your face. ❤️