Didn't want to work there, and now I don't

on being laid off and the floating phase

Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a cozy homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. Here, you’ll marvel the mundane and wish for your wild, while reveling in rest.

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I dunno, something about a new path?

Clicking to end the Zoom call, I felt like I might throw up, pass out, and go full fetal all at the same time. My face felt hot, the tears started to flow, and I couldn’t catch my breath. After nearly eight years at a company, I was laid off.

I am now unemployed.

Ending the call, it took me several moments to see straight, to think straight. After crying to my mom, husband, and best friend, I went on a walk with my dog. My mind couldn’t seem to settle, bouncing between all the fears that come from losing a job, losing something. But here’s the thing…

I didn’t want to work there, anyway.

If you were to poll each of the people mentioned above (including my dog and multiple others), they would all tell you that I was miserable. I was burnt out. Mental health was being set to the wayside for the sake of simply coping. When I would meet with my writing coach, the first 10 - 15 minutes would be spent venting, clearing the air to ground into the space of writing.

Feeling like a hypocrite in the corporate machine, I coped with funny memes and digital office parties. But I was truly, viscerally unhappy.

After the initial shock waned in the following days, following anger, grief, resentment, and some “rage riding” on my bike, beautiful, sweet relief started to make its way to the top of my emotional range.

Haven’t I always said I wanted to make a living as a writer? To create full-time?

I didn’t want to work there. And now I don’t.

Cutting the chain of the calendar

A major bummer about capitalism (among others) is that it prioritizes productivity above all else.

Not long after that Zoom call, I went to my Google calendar to erase any mention of company meetings I had held space for. Only one color remained: my personal calendar — workout classes, meetings with my coach, massages, doctor’s appointments, and upcoming trips were the only things littering the screen, with large, overbearing white spaces smack in the middle of each day.

More days passed, and I realized I was still living from the same calendar, as if I still had company meetings scheduled in the middle of the day. Couldn’t I, like, do whatever I want?

Have you ever tried to just not worry about being productive? It is HARD.

Studies show that 44% of US workers are burned out at work.¹ During COVID, remote work became the norm, so with around 70% of workers now having access to work communications on their phones, 84% are more likely to work after hours.²

Just because I no longer work for a company, my habits are still in place. Eight years is a lot of time for habits to solidify. Attempting to be less productive, I decided to test different ways to change up my calendar, therefore changing my life. (In theory!)

The floating phase

While I am no longer employed by a company, I am fortunate to have other means of income while I live through this “floating phase.” I work with clients for copywriting, content coaching, and brand editing, and of course, here on Substack, my paid subscribers are now literally keeping me fed. (Bless!)

Now, instead of making money so I have to work, I work to make money. It’s an interesting mind fuck I’m still exploring, but it feels cool. So while I’m figuring things out as far as income goes, I’m more focused on unlearning and releasing habits I built to cope in a company work environment.

Since I’m an Enneagram 7 and love to gamify things, right now I’m challenging myself to do something new every day — something outside my typical (old, dusty, outdated) calendar.

• Yesterday, I read a book cover to cover. (I’ll share it in the upcoming Monthly Scroll!)

• Today, I took myself out for a picnic in the park to read and journal.

“Because right things happen at the wrong time.”

Tomorrow, I’m not sure yet! Send some ideas if you have them. There is a cat café that recently opened in town that I’ve been wanting to visit. I’ve also talked about taking myself on a solo trip, even to a spot about an hour away that claims it’s the Little Sweden of the States.

Knowing the general population is working itself into sickness, how else can we take back our own time? I didn’t want to work there anymore, and now I don’t.

And if that isn’t the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

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If you’re new here…

Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. It’s a travel blog / poetry newsletter / attempt to understand my inner world a bit better each day.

Subscribers can expect weekly-ish newsletters from me (and my forever undying gratitude!)

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1. SHRM’s Employee Mental Health in 2024 Research Series

2. Indeed’s 2021 Employee Burnout Report