The default of failure
things I feel guilty about that are silly
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I feel guilty for spending money on facials, tattoos, and my senior dog’s vet bills.
Here are some other things I feel guilty about that are silly:
I feel guilty for stealing poop bags from my neighborhood park’s supply so I can pick up my dog’s poop outside of the park’s radius.
I feel guilty for calling myself a habitual traveler, even though I’ve only been to two countries.
I feel guilty for charging people to read my words on Substack.
I feel guilty for not having children. I feel guilty for not wanting children. I feel guilty for a some-day realization that maybe I do want children, and it’s too late.
I feel guilty for living for Present-Jordan’s mental and physical well-being rather than an imagined Jordan in the future.
I feel guilty that I buy books that I don’t read.
I feel guilty when I’m writing my Substack because it means I’m not on a walk in the sun.
I feel guilty when I’m on a walk in the sun because I’m not reading poetry.
I feel guilty when I’m reading poetry because I’m not writing my Substack.
There are many more, of course. Living from the default of failure looks like the list above while trying to rationalize to myself why I don’t have to feel guilty for how I spend my money, time, and life.
Because I don’t.
I don’t have to first repent that I am spending, acting, and living as I am before enjoying it. I don’t have to then rationalize why I can and do deserve something.
And yet.
Living from the default of failure IRL
As an example, living from the default of failure looks like shaming myself for purchasing a book from my local bookstore, while unread ones sit on my shelves. Never mind that I am supporting a local store, a new author, and my own personal enjoyment; I am, at default, failing at life.
Once I recognized that I tend to live my life from the default of failure, it helped me figure out ways to change that (it’s an ongoing process).
We’ve all heard the moderately funny and apt joke of “shoulding on myself,” and this is an appropriate time to bring that term into action.
Recognize: where do I use the word “should”? And what’s a more fulfilling solution?
Should: I shouldn’t buy new books when I have books I haven’t read yet.
Solution: Donate books on my shelves that I’m not reading. Now, I don’t own books that I’m not reading.
The aforementioned senior dog and I walked to a Little Library the other day in our neighborhood (grabbing poop bags along the way) and donated a few books that I was not reading. Now, someone else just might read them, and I can buy new books!
Should: I shouldn’t travel when I have debt to pay down.
Solution: Travel anywhere I want, but camp so I don’t have to pay to stay there. Now, I’m honoring both values of travel and financial security.
These examples work for me! They may not work for you.
Consider this permission to find creative solutions to your own “shoulds” that are relevant to your situation and values.
Now, for the more shame-entrenched examples listed above (like, how I’m expected to live my life as a selfless woman; or, just a woman), it gets a little trickier.
Fundamentally, this guilt stems from expectations.
Am I expected to have children? Am I expected to purchase my own poop bags? Am I expected to travel internationally to call myself a traveler? Am I expected to spend my money on less “frivolous” things? Am I expected to take care of my skin with facials? Am I expected to travel less so I can take better care of my house?
This feels like another opportunity to utilize the Should Vs. Solution Model I made up above. (Am I expected to be more of an expert to say I invented a model?)
Should: I should live in a way that helps everyone to like me and agree with my life choices and how I spend my time and money. Each decision should be weighted by how it will be viewed by others.
Solution: Live in a way that brings me joy (because all those “shoulds” are impossible).
This post is different than I originally envisioned it, and it took me several days to claw my way through it. But I realized I should just post it.
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Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. It’s a travel blog / poetry newsletter / attempt to understand my inner world a bit better each day.
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I love how the “silly guilts” (poop bags and unread books) are such an accessible entry point to reexamine all guilt! Found this so relatable and inspired me to inventory and find creative solutions for my daily guilts
Guilt is such a curious emotion. So much a part of American cultural tradition. And yet the people who are wrestling with it are usually the ones who probably need less and meanwhile there are so many who could stand to experience some social shame or guilt for their actions… that all said I’m curious whether some of this guilt might have other messages for you, not just the shoulds and should nots but also maybe it’s a part of you trying to be of service to a core desire in some way?