Go heavy or go home (on being hard and soft)
deconstructing of a phrase and mindset
Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a cozy homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. Here, you’ll marvel the mundane and wish for your wild, while reveling in rest.
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My husband used to be a member at a local gym, and I went with him once to use the free guest pass. It was a quiet gym with an industrial vibe and shiny, expensive workout machines.
Along one wall was a collection of merch: shirts, water bottles, hats, etc. One of the sweatshirts, alongside the depiction of a giant dumbbell, included the phrase “GO HEAVY OR GO HOME.”
Hmm… define heavy? Is your heavy different than my heavy? If it’s not heavy, does that mean just don’t try? My writerly brain went to town on deconstructing this phrase.
Another day of feeling behind, but where was the starting line?
Constantly feeling behind? Regularly looking at your list of things-to-do, while continuing to push them to the next day? And the day after?
Is this starting to read like a how-to guide to GeT sHiT dOnE with some tough love (bleh, can’t even type that with a straight face) sprinkled in? Because this is not that.
As I type this, my chest is tight and I could benefit from some box breathing exercises. I feel guilty for sitting down to write this while my laundry goes unfolded, my taxes go undone, and my clock continues to tick closer to an appointment I need to leave for.
I’m about as anti-hustle culture as they come, and regularly push back on anything that tells me that the reason I’m not further ahead in any area of my life is because I don’t work hard enough for it.
That shit is dangerous, and just not true.
And, I do also believe in the power of accountability and taking action. Sometimes I wonder:
When I’m stressed and feel like I need to rest, do I actually need to take action?
Take this essay, for example.
I am “behind” on my weekly publishing schedule. I keep it loose on purpose so sometimes you’ll see it on Thursday, other times on Saturday, or like today on Monday. It won’t always be on the same day, but you’ll receive, on average, one essay/article a week from me.
This past week, a friend visited me from Oregon and I spent the few days she was here fully present with her.
Does this make me late to post this? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Am I still feeling guilty and behind and like a major fraud? Absolutely.
Well, not absolutely. A little bit.
A previous version of me who was more rigid and stuck to arbitrary schedules to value my worth would be feeling it more. When I’m feeling stressed/overwhelmed/stuck, I’ve recognized a scale of opportunities for how to “complete the [stress] cycle,” as Emily & Amelia Nagoski say in their book Burnout.
How do I complete the cycle?
I write and publish the essay. (Eventually.)
I binge some Vampire Diaries for a while.
I go for a walk with my dog.
I make some tea and read a book.
I ride my bike for a couple of hours.
I check off items on my ideas list.
Note: I don’t call them to-do lists because if it doesn’t get done, it’s alright. It was just an idea!
This is what I mean by a scale of opportunities and brings us back to my previous question: When I’m stressed and feel like I need to rest, do I actually need to take action?
Because in the list above, sometimes it is about resting and recharging. And sometimes, it’s taking action. Sometimes, I will feel most complete in the cycle by doing the thing.
Both can be and are true.
Whether it’s heavy or home, honor it
A few months back, a fellow Substacker shared a Note about how she was scrolling TikTok and saw a woman in the gym encouraging viewers to get to the gym. The Substacker said nah, I’ll just stay here on the couch with my cats.
I honor that. Truly. Like, hell yes!
And… hell yes to the woman at the gym!
I hold space for being hard and soft. I want to make a living as a writer, so I have to write. I want to grow strong in the gym, so I have to lift weights. I want my body to feel good and nourished, so I rest.
There is a great amount of nuance and self-defining (and redefining) when it comes to success, as I’ve had to learn time and again. Sit on the couch with cats, go to the gym, write the essay, and binge the stupid vampire show.
Just honor where you’re at.
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Hi! I’m Jordan, and Shade Cactus is where being a cozy homebody and always planning your next travel adventure come to meet. Here, you’ll marvel the mundane and wish for your wild, while reveling in rest.
You’ll learn about how to support your habitual travel adventures alongside your happy home base (even the one inside your own head). Subscribers can expect weekly newsletters from me (and my forever undying gratitude!)
"There is a great amount of nuance and self-defining (and redefining) when it comes to success, as I’ve had to learn time and again." Yes - I'm learning this too.
omg this welcome wagon is so endearing!